The narcissist in their panoptican world

You do not exist without me and I am nothing without your adoration. Your emotions are my fuel, your fear, anger, happiness, pain, sorrow are all under my control.  You cannot think a word without my say so.  If you dare to speak up against my crazy behaviour I will punish you, but not in the way you would expect.  No, I will torture your mind and leave you in a state of confusion….You are mine FOREVER.

love letter from a narcissist

narcissist             ˈnɑːsɪsɪst/   noun 
a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
“narcissists who think the world revolves around them”
panopticon        panˈɒptɪk(ə)n/      noun
a circular prison with cells arranged around a central well,
from which prisoners could at all times be observed.

Ok that is an extreme version above, of how a narcissist thinks but it can be scary when you realise that the person you are involved with has some odd ways of relating.  I mean, we all have our quirks but some are just plain beyond the mere quirky. In an attempt to understand the mental confusion left behind when certain people entered and subsequently left my life ( albeit it out of the blue) I stumbled upon the world of personality disorders, especially narcissism. I had never heard about the cluster B personality disorders before this but some of the traits seem to make sense in light of behaviours I was witnessing or being subject to.

It seemed to fit, or make sense and making sense of the situation was what I was trying to do.  But the more I read about it, the more it made no sense to me.  The more you deal with such personality disorders, such as narcissism the more head fuckery you get into.  Gaslighting, lying, the silent treatment, putting you down, love bombing and the eventual devaluing and discarding are all ways to control you that the narcissist employs.

We all can have elements of one or more personality disorders but these are sometimes context specific.  I know in the past, going through a particularly difficult time in my life I had Histrionic traits.  I was emotionally out of control and sought attention through dramatic emotional scenes that were self created (although at the time I didn’t recognise this) because I was in so much pain and didn’t know how to ask for help.  Thankfully I found a way out of this phase and began a search for meaning in my life.

I guess the key thing here is just to be wary.  In this day of the digital age, where more and more people are connecting first online, its impossible to tell who you are dealing with until perhaps its too late.

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